Saturday, April 30, 2011

Celia Rivenbark

With all the terrible disaster news coming out of the South, the federal gummint dithering while the price of everything goes North, and Wills and Kate having to postpone their honeymoon, I thought we could all use a shot of laughter. My half-brother on Cape Cod recently forwarded me an article from a North Carolina newspaper about a woman who caused a multi-car accident because she was shaving her, uh, "bikini area"... while driving! It was actually a feature column by a woman named Celia Rivenbark, whom I'd never heard of before, but who I intend to follow from now on. She's very funny, very observant and lets the humor spring from the simple (often mind-boggling) facts of daily life.

Celia Rivenbark
photo courtesy
She has written several books, the titles of which alone are worthy of awards: Bless Your Heart, Tramp; We're Just Like You, Only Prettier; You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl and You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Mornin'. In fact, one of her titles did win an award. Stop Dressing Your Six Year-Old Like a Skank was named Best Book Title by Entertainment Weekly Magazine in 2006.

Celia has a website and I hope whichever of my local bookstores is still in business has at least a couple of her titles.

So as many of you can get a sample of her work as possible, I herewith reprint portions of the column, "Driving and Shaving Just Don't Mix". Everything they say about the absolutely true!

     "By now I'm sure that most of you have heard about the Florida woman who caused a two-vehicle wreck because she was shaving her bikini area while driving.
     "Guess that makes the time you drove with your elbows while eating a Whopper seem downright virtuous, doesn't it?
     "Florida Highway Patrol troopers said the car Megan Barnes was driving crashed into the back of a pickup truck at about 45 mph. Her reaction time was slowed down because she was too busy grooming her hoohah to pay attention to the road. Oh, like that's never happened to you?
     "Ms. Barnes told the investigating officer that she was on her way to a date and 'wanted to be ready for the visit'.
     "Yes, she wanted to look her best. All over. Except, well, we've seen Ms. Barnes' mug shot and she appears to have a face that would stop a clock... To be blunt, I don't think a perfectly groomed love rug could possibly make that much difference.
     "There are so many 'You might be a redneck if' elements to the story of Megan Barnes, but my favorite is that, while performing this extremely personal grooming ritual, she asked her EX-HUSBAND to steer the car so she could concentrate. ('Help me out, Buford, I'm gonna make it look like a LIGHTNING BOLT!')
     "To no one's particular surprise, the Highway Patrol quickly discovered that Ms. Barnes didn't have a valid driver's license. Oh, and the day before, she'd been convicted of DUI and driving with a suspended license. Oh, and her car had been seized and had no insurance or registration. Oh, and she was on probation. Oh, and SHE'S A FLIPPIN' LUNATIC!
     "Albeit an impeccably groomed one."

Bet it made you laugh at least once. Dontcha feel better?


  1. Much better....aside from cringing a bit and thinking what a dumb ass this woman is!

  2. Did she cunt, oops, I mean cut herself? And I wonder if the drapes matched the rug?